I’m running and not quite sure where to go

Who am I kidding?  Not myself.  I have been throwing myself into projects, making myself busy, and for what?  To avoid facing the fact that my personal life sucks?  Because my relationships with people seem to break easily whether I let them know or not?

Since I’m on a roll

You know.  I’d be perfectly OK with you never speaking to me again.  Ever.  Anytime you do I get this sense of “I still care” shit.  It radiates off of you.  I wish you would talk to me like a normal person.  Not that you’re some awkward sixteen year old who is in a clumsy stage.  You couldn’t treat me like a friend when we were dating, and you still have problems with it now.  I’m glad we’re exes.  Really I am.

And I would’ve let this go a long time ago, if it wasn’t for the fact that you start talking to me the second I stop getting reminded of you.  You’re like this annoying reminder of a mistake.  A big fat mistake.  Just.. let me be.  You owe me.

If I sat you down..

“Listen.  I want to go to this school.  Wait, before you say anything to me I want you to hear me out.  This will be my chance to get out of here, and not get stuck in a rut.  It is a better school, with more opportunities.”

And if he denies me the right to go.. he will get his feelings hurt by the following:

“And if you don’t let me go, you’re robbing me of a better opportunity because you want to be selfish.  I feel like I’m turning into you, and that is NOT something I strive to be.  You’re treating me like my mother, and I’m not your fucking wife.  I will not be stuck in this house all day, I will not quit one of my jobs just because you think I’m getting detracted from school.  You don’t even know any classes I’m taking, fuck off like you ACTUALLY are involved.  Besides your credit card number, you really have no involvement.  This other job– a reason to get away from you ALWAYS being there.  It’d be nice if for a second you’d actually care about what I want to do in life instead of being some.. loser with no point in life.”

That’s harsh.  But my dad has no point.  No friends.  He does the same damn thing everyday.  I care, I do.  But when you act the way he does, sometimes you don’t deserve any better.  Maybe I’m angry at him because it rubs off on me.  But I do know I’m angry because it’d piss me off if he thinks that anyway wants to be that way, especially his daughter.

We’re not so different

I completely understand how my mother felt towards my father.  Even before I typed this sentence I had to pause and think about where to start on this topic.  I’m angry, annoyed, and on the verge of tears.  I feel like I cannot breathe in this household.  I feel like I cannot breathe at school, in this town.  Every little bit of happiness I get in my head is about me not being here, and not being with anyone associated with my everyday life.  I cannot say that I dislike everyone in this town, then I would be lying.  It is the borderline truth though, with the exception of a handful of people.

But at this moment it is not about them.  I go off on a tangent a lot about the people here.

So back to my father.  I love him.  I just do not like him all the time.  I do get my space here, but I don’t.  He finds out things and I hate that.  I have packets of sleeping pills laying around my main bedroom, and my bathroom.  You know what this fucker does?  Looks up the name of the pills online to see what they were.  Last time I checked, as of the day before my eighteenth birthday, it was none of his damn business about the medication I take.  How creepy is that.. what normal person Googles random pills laying around?  Not a sane person.  I see him, and I see everything I don’t want to be.

Divorced.  Stuck to a computer. Completely alone with no social life.

I strive for none of that.  Yet I see how I treat people, how I push them away.. and I wonder if that’ll be me.  Pathetic.

I applied to another university that is about an hour and a half drive from my house.  I got accepted to their Honors College.  I’m pretty proud of that.  I haven’t told me father, about doing neither things.  I plan on driving there on the 28th of this month to talk to them about academic advising.  I feel like my efforts will go to waste.  I feel like I’m wasting time here.

This blog isn’t helping me vent at all.

Let’s pretend

When I immerse myself into anything and everything, it’s my natural way of retreating. My way of hiding. I avoid everyone and everything. I fill up my time with things so I won’t sit and wander about my life and how much it needs to be changed. I wish I could, but when I do find time to think about it there is no end to what seems to be a shitty episode. No beginning to the fixing. So here I am stuck. Waiting. For something to hit me in the face. That’s a stupid way to be living life, stuck in a rut, but it’s what I know.

I talked to a stranger today. Made him apologize for hurting my feelings. I did a lot of thinking about what he said to me, which hurt deeply really.. and initially wanted to blow up at him. I wanted to hurt his feelings equally or worse, but my response was speechlessness. A couple of days passed and we did not talk. Finally you got my attention, and when you did I said, “the only thing you need to say to me is that you’re sorry.” I got my apology and am now at ease about the situation. But a new one arises, I realize our similarities in our personalities and it scares me. I do not want to be like you. I know if I continue on this destructive behavior I think I just might turn into you. I try, I really do try to fight it.

I’m waiting. Waiting for someone to save me. I’ll admit it.

For lack of a better title

Today is just one of those days.

No.

The past week has been one of those weeks.  I think every stranger that has come into unnecessary contact with me has figured out a way to push my button.

I hate how only when I turn away is when the clever comment pops into my head.  I need to work on being witty on the spot.  Had my witicisms worked at the time I needed them to the following would have been said to people:

•  If you poke me and I don’t verbally react and just turn my back towards you, that should not enable you to poke me again as if I didn’t feel it the first time.  Fuck off.  This isn’t junior high, and even then I had a poking complex.
• Whether I have a boyfriend or not shouldn’t matter to you.  Me walking away does not mean catch up and keep talking to me.
• You look like you live in the street.
• You’re annoying.  I keep telling you I do not have time for you, yet you keep texting me like it suddenly frees up my time.  No sir, it does not work out that way.
• Just because I did not feel like being a bitch the day you met me does not mean I am actually interested in you.  If I NEVER answer the phone, that means you should stop calling.
• Why do people who work at the gym know you have my number?  Stop talking about me fucker.  Seriously, you did not win a prize by getting my number.  Lots of people have it.  Hence why I keep it on silent or turned off most of the time.

These aren’t even witty remarks.  It’s more like me saying what I needed to say to get some random annoying strangers off my nuts.  Yes, my nuts.

Today after I got into my car to leave school I screamed.  I was so full of adrenaline and just angry.  No amount of metal completely cured it either.   It appalls me to think of the amount of rudeness I’m going to have to muster up to make some guys get the point.  Men are getting more stupid as I get older.  I think.   At least the ones I come in contact with at school, the gym, or work.  All of which.. is not a place to chat with me.  I do not come to those places to chat.  I come to work.  That is all.

I think my tendency to not smile in public instantly attracts men who have no business talking to me.  So if I smile, maybe.. maybe I’ll attract one worth making time for in my oh so busy schedule.  The last time I met a cute guy, I was smiling.  Granted I was drunk, but it’s OK.  He wasn’t, but don’t think he tried to take advantage of me either.

Anyway, completely different story.

Bottom line is.. I think my approach is failing me.  I’m not looking for a relationship now, but that doesn’t mean I should rule out the possibility.  After all, possibilities makes waking up worth it.

In the pain, there is healing

You know, I wish I was a lot of things. I really do. I look at a lot of things differently from those around me which explains why I don’t get close to people. I can’t connect with most on certain subjects; especially family. Wow I don’t know anyone who understands why my view on family life is so BLEAK. Then again I think I’ve only told one person what really happened– I distance myself from that person now and find myself just being an ass to him, I’d like to think it’s because I want him to stop liking me, but now I just got used to it.

So today was different from what I was expecting out of a Monday. It was good for the most part. I’m not getting into details about one part, not today. Today isn’t the time. And right now I have so many things racing through my mind.. actual important thigns– to me at least.

So I talked to a girlfriend today that I have not talked to in a long time! I heard some exciting news.. well she didn’t flat out confirm or deny this good news, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have brought it up had it not been true. Wow, for her I look at it was an exciting thing, although I think she must be scared. I have no doubt that she and her boyfriend will be fine through this period. I can’t wait for June! Anyway so we were talking today about my feelings towards this one crush I have. This guy– totally turns my guts inside out. But I cannot be or say anything nice to the guy. And I feel really bad about it because he’s super sweet. I talked to her about how not only is it embarrassing but I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I really don’t want any opportunities to slip away. So she told me to just go for it, and what’s the worst that can happen? I’d get rejected. I can’t handle it, I really can’t. But I’m going to bit my pride on this.. and I’ll just tell him the truth. He put the biggest smile on my face. And then I won’t check my facebook for days.. but hey. It’s ok. I don’t need human interaction with my peers right now anyway!

It seems like when things go wrong for me, I always distance myself. From everyone except those I RARELY talk to. It is easier to talk to those who do not have a clue or just a fresh face as opposed to someone who hears about everything and everyone all the time. It’s different. And I enjoy hearing from these friends that pop up only once in a while.. I thoroughly do. Because sometimes a fresh ear or an unbiased person just makes it more easy.

I feel sick. I think something bad will happen, not soon, but within a month. Something and someone will get in the way and things won’t be the same. It scares me, but at the same time I’m just sitting here waiting and anticipating. Having a feeling about things before they happen I guess turned me into a nonchalant person about certain events. I care, but at the same time I don’t. It’s complicated. I’m complicated. I have a love note to write to a beautiful man. Ha.

My insides are on the outside right now.

Unlikely possibilities

School starts tomorrow. I am not exactly thrilled about it; but by no means am I dreading it. I know this semester will be better than the latter; however I do not want to get used to waking up everyday seeing people I do not care for. I do not want to get used to that again. I feel very alone attending that school; actually I feel alone period. I do however love it in a creepy way. Sometimes I’d rather be alone, in fact most of the time that is my preference. Then there are times I do not want to be and I feel like my options are less than acceptable. I flip through the numbers in my phone and I just do not see anyone I feel like ringing.

In eight hours I will be sitting in my first class in the Spring semester and I’m online blogging. I slept earlier because I was dead tired and could not keep my eyes open.

I have a billion things to say and right now if just feels like I’m trying to force this blog. This process right now is creating an irritation more than an outlet.

That feeling of something being inside of you that you have to let out.. is what I feel like at the moment. However I really don’t know where to begin. Prior to starting this blog I was reading in hopes that it would put me to sleep, but then my mind started to wander as I realized the part I was reading was going to turn into a boring sex story. It just didn’t keep my attention at the moment.. so my mind started drifting. I was thinking about a stranger. A man I have met once, and somehow he sticks with me. He was a sweetheart, and he left an amazing impression. A good thing about people like that is.. that’s all you have left lingering. That good memory. So my mind on occasion cooks up these possibilities.. these what if’s.. and I can’t help it! I feel like I’m thinking too much into something that isn’t there. I don’t like to be hopeful about these things.. I think the way my mind keeps wandering is actually pretty creepy. But like I said, can’t help it. If all goes well I’ll see this beautiful stranger in a little bit, for a short amount of time, but enough to make another impression that just might answer a few things I keep wondering about.

In other news, I campus toured this charming university that is about an hour and a half away from home. I really want to attend it for their applied behavior analysis program, the problem with that is my father will not pay for me to live there. So I will be making an attempt to save some money for a dorm room. I had a dream about this school.. well not this particular one, just another from my own. My dream was of me sitting under a short tree while studying or reading.. I’m completely determined to make that dream true. I’ll have to bust my ass to earn money for it, but it might be worth it. If I want it this badly, I know I’ll work at it.. I have to have something worth working for, and my education is my first priority at the moment.

When you find your happiness

Hold onto it, and cherish it. I do have a massive amount of hope, despite some events that turn me off completely from it. I do not think things will stay like this forever, although I will say I am not actively trying to change it. I have a better chance of just living as if this particular factor does not affect me, and letting things happen as they should be.

Lately I have been feeling.. oh let us just refer to this state the sickness.. Anyway, whenever something bad is about to happen I get nauseous. I do not even know why, I do not even recall what events trigger this feeling I get. I do know however that my gut feelings are pretty accurate. The people I feel them towards, maybe not, but the fact that something will happen.. I always hit the nail right on the head. I think that is somewhat creepy to know about things before it happens; at the same time, I do not care for most surprises so it almost works in my favor. Almost.

What does this sickness have to do with my nonexistent happiness? Well, before the fall semester started I had a feeling that I would remain single, and I did, not by choice. This semester, I see better things.. and a relationship, although I have this feeling it won’t be with someone I care for too much. That I can help, but.. it makes me wonder.

Maybe it’s all just one huge coincidence.

And happy holidays!

A simple request

I must start by explaining something. The only time I really find my solace anymore is while I’m driving. I clear my head out, I think– and listen to the sound of my gorgeous car gliding on the highway. I get a slight feeling of sadness whenever I turn onto my street because that means my solitude is over. Sure I’m practically alone in the house, but it’s just not the same. Anyway, I usually stall at night before stepping out of my car. Tonight I said out loud “God, please let me cry.” For the first time in about a month, tears actually rolled out of my eyes. Two. One from each eye. Within minutes, I’d say about two.. because I sat there for a minute happy about the fact that the real me is somewhere in this ghost of a person that was so full of emotions. I walked in my home, looked at the small mirror hanging in my hallway and they were gone. My tears were gone, and not a trace of them was left.

The fact that I could bring myself to actually cry in itself is something I am hopeful about.

Just some background information, I have only cried one other time within the past 5 months or so. I know that’s a good thing for most people, however for me that is just strange. Crying was a release, and now.. all my feelings are hoarded inside. I don’t do anything with them. I don’t get angry, depressed.. nothing. But they’re there, I can feel it. All I can feel is genuine heartache.

Every single time I see them.. or know I’m going to–all I can feel is heart broken. And I do not know why.

I lost something, and I want it back, but I don’t think that that is a viable option because I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know what I am looking for because I couldn’t even begin to explain what it is..

Fuck.

…