When I immerse myself into anything and everything, it’s my natural way of retreating. My way of hiding. I avoid everyone and everything. I fill up my time with things so I won’t sit and wander about my life and how much it needs to be changed. I wish I could, but when I do find time to think about it there is no end to what seems to be a shitty episode. No beginning to the fixing. So here I am stuck. Waiting. For something to hit me in the face. That’s a stupid way to be living life, stuck in a rut, but it’s what I know.

I talked to a stranger today. Made him apologize for hurting my feelings. I did a lot of thinking about what he said to me, which hurt deeply really.. and initially wanted to blow up at him. I wanted to hurt his feelings equally or worse, but my response was speechlessness. A couple of days passed and we did not talk. Finally you got my attention, and when you did I said, “the only thing you need to say to me is that you’re sorry.” I got my apology and am now at ease about the situation. But a new one arises, I realize our similarities in our personalities and it scares me. I do not want to be like you. I know if I continue on this destructive behavior I think I just might turn into you. I try, I really do try to fight it.

I’m waiting. Waiting for someone to save me. I’ll admit it.