I’m sinking slowly

Oh college. I figured my art appreciation class would be the one class where I did not miss a single day. Today was my first and only day. I slept right through class. It was much needed sleep too, however it was not intentional. I meant to only sleep through my first. Oh well. Maybe that is why I set two alarms instead of one.. oops. It’ll be hard convincing my professor to let me turn in my essay late due to a family emergency that I could not ignore.. yea let us hope she buys that– because I will be pulling an A in that damn class. I have basically a week left in school and I’m pretty sure the B’s I’ll be getting are going to be a slap in the face, because I know I missed the A mark by a few points. Sigh. Maybe I shouldn’t let personal problems get in the way of school.

Speaking of school. It is hard work avoiding people at school. No matter what time it is. There are some people I don’t mind seeing, those I’ve known for more than a year.. people that actually know me pre-fuck ups. I’m okay with that, in fact it brightens my day when I see those people. Everyone else I could really be okay with not seeing for the remainder of the semester.

That makes me sound like an asshole, but hey.. I think I’ve earned my asshole moment.

Rare instances, Instantly

Many a time I will find myself spewing out advice to people who for some reason come to me to let out some things. Understandable. I’ll listen to anybody if they come to me, it’s flattering. I really do mean everyone.

My late summer fling, for lack of a better example, would continuously talk to me about his ex-girlfriend. His very recent ex-girlfriend. At that point in time we had initiated a relationship solely based on drunk hook-ups. No attachments there. But, I digress.. if I could make someone who at the time was sexually involved with me feel at ease to talk to me about, I’m sure I could stand just about anything. Granted, I did reach for the bottle nearly everytime he did in some form or fashion, but I grit my teeth and sucked it up.

Then are the few peers that decide to burden me with their problems. It’s not really a burden, just because I can walk away from a conversation about anything seemingly collected. It’s not that i don’t genuinely care, because I do. I can just burden the problems of others easily. My own problems are a different story. I’ll save that topic for another post though.

I do find myself in a dilemma when these instances occur, the whole “spilling my guts out to you” thing that people like to do. It is frustrating at times that it does not matter what I say, people will usually do whatever the hell they want to. It’s discouraging sometimes because I feel rather useless. I know the majority of what I say in regards to problematic situations is something they know; they are just thoughts that are deeply pushed into their subconscious where they hope it can be ignored easily. I am not one to talk though, I rarely take advice from people. Often I tell my super-ego to shut the hell up and see what happens, because it might be wrong this time. I never win that battle with myself, but I’d like to think that one day she’ll be wrong and I can restore my faith in humanity once agai.. wait it was never really there. Anyway. Times like right now I really do wish that people would listen, then again it could just be me being selfish. That instant gratification I get from knowing someone listened to my advice and it worked.. is an amazing feeling. Absolutely amazing. I would trade this feeling of uselessness for a few seconds of that wonderful feeling at this moment.

The Start

Right now. I find it extremely hard to start this blog, this post; I erased about five openings, thoughts, autobiographies because I felt it was lacking something. To tell you the truth I find it hard to start anything when it comes to expressing my feelings. My artwork, or lack there of, has been suffering since May. That led to my decision of changing my major to art to undecided. I realized my passions have now shifted elsewhere, more towards social sciences. It might be weird of me to admit this, particularly because if you know my in real life, but I do thoroughly enjoy helping people who need it when I am able to.. and to do that as a living would be extremely fulfilling.

But I digress.. I don’t know if this was a good start to this blog, but I had to start somewhere. To say what I really need to express in full detail would just be chaotic. Chaos isn’t what I need, I need solace. I hope at the end of this journey, I’ll find it.

And don’t let the name, “sexd”, fool you.. “inkd” was taken. Har.