You know, I wish I was a lot of things. I really do. I look at a lot of things differently from those around me which explains why I don’t get close to people. I can’t connect with most on certain subjects; especially family. Wow I don’t know anyone who understands why my view on family life is so BLEAK. Then again I think I’ve only told one person what really happened– I distance myself from that person now and find myself just being an ass to him, I’d like to think it’s because I want him to stop liking me, but now I just got used to it.

So today was different from what I was expecting out of a Monday. It was good for the most part. I’m not getting into details about one part, not today. Today isn’t the time. And right now I have so many things racing through my mind.. actual important thigns– to me at least.

So I talked to a girlfriend today that I have not talked to in a long time! I heard some exciting news.. well she didn’t flat out confirm or deny this good news, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have brought it up had it not been true. Wow, for her I look at it was an exciting thing, although I think she must be scared. I have no doubt that she and her boyfriend will be fine through this period. I can’t wait for June! Anyway so we were talking today about my feelings towards this one crush I have. This guy– totally turns my guts inside out. But I cannot be or say anything nice to the guy. And I feel really bad about it because he’s super sweet. I talked to her about how not only is it embarrassing but I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I really don’t want any opportunities to slip away. So she told me to just go for it, and what’s the worst that can happen? I’d get rejected. I can’t handle it, I really can’t. But I’m going to bit my pride on this.. and I’ll just tell him the truth. He put the biggest smile on my face. And then I won’t check my facebook for days.. but hey. It’s ok. I don’t need human interaction with my peers right now anyway!

It seems like when things go wrong for me, I always distance myself. From everyone except those I RARELY talk to. It is easier to talk to those who do not have a clue or just a fresh face as opposed to someone who hears about everything and everyone all the time. It’s different. And I enjoy hearing from these friends that pop up only once in a while.. I thoroughly do. Because sometimes a fresh ear or an unbiased person just makes it more easy.

I feel sick. I think something bad will happen, not soon, but within a month. Something and someone will get in the way and things won’t be the same. It scares me, but at the same time I’m just sitting here waiting and anticipating. Having a feeling about things before they happen I guess turned me into a nonchalant person about certain events. I care, but at the same time I don’t. It’s complicated. I’m complicated. I have a love note to write to a beautiful man. Ha.

My insides are on the outside right now.

I must start by explaining something. The only time I really find my solace anymore is while I’m driving. I clear my head out, I think– and listen to the sound of my gorgeous car gliding on the highway. I get a slight feeling of sadness whenever I turn onto my street because that means my solitude is over. Sure I’m practically alone in the house, but it’s just not the same. Anyway, I usually stall at night before stepping out of my car. Tonight I said out loud “God, please let me cry.” For the first time in about a month, tears actually rolled out of my eyes. Two. One from each eye. Within minutes, I’d say about two.. because I sat there for a minute happy about the fact that the real me is somewhere in this ghost of a person that was so full of emotions. I walked in my home, looked at the small mirror hanging in my hallway and they were gone. My tears were gone, and not a trace of them was left.

The fact that I could bring myself to actually cry in itself is something I am hopeful about.

Just some background information, I have only cried one other time within the past 5 months or so. I know that’s a good thing for most people, however for me that is just strange. Crying was a release, and now.. all my feelings are hoarded inside. I don’t do anything with them. I don’t get angry, depressed.. nothing. But they’re there, I can feel it. All I can feel is genuine heartache.

Every single time I see them.. or know I’m going to–all I can feel is heart broken. And I do not know why.

I lost something, and I want it back, but I don’t think that that is a viable option because I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know what I am looking for because I couldn’t even begin to explain what it is..

Fuck.

…

Many a time I will find myself spewing out advice to people who for some reason come to me to let out some things. Understandable. I’ll listen to anybody if they come to me, it’s flattering. I really do mean everyone.

My late summer fling, for lack of a better example, would continuously talk to me about his ex-girlfriend. His very recent ex-girlfriend. At that point in time we had initiated a relationship solely based on drunk hook-ups. No attachments there. But, I digress.. if I could make someone who at the time was sexually involved with me feel at ease to talk to me about, I’m sure I could stand just about anything. Granted, I did reach for the bottle nearly everytime he did in some form or fashion, but I grit my teeth and sucked it up.

Then are the few peers that decide to burden me with their problems. It’s not really a burden, just because I can walk away from a conversation about anything seemingly collected. It’s not that i don’t genuinely care, because I do. I can just burden the problems of others easily. My own problems are a different story. I’ll save that topic for another post though.

I do find myself in a dilemma when these instances occur, the whole “spilling my guts out to you” thing that people like to do. It is frustrating at times that it does not matter what I say, people will usually do whatever the hell they want to. It’s discouraging sometimes because I feel rather useless. I know the majority of what I say in regards to problematic situations is something they know; they are just thoughts that are deeply pushed into their subconscious where they hope it can be ignored easily. I am not one to talk though, I rarely take advice from people. Often I tell my super-ego to shut the hell up and see what happens, because it might be wrong this time. I never win that battle with myself, but I’d like to think that one day she’ll be wrong and I can restore my faith in humanity once agai.. wait it was never really there. Anyway. Times like right now I really do wish that people would listen, then again it could just be me being selfish. That instant gratification I get from knowing someone listened to my advice and it worked.. is an amazing feeling. Absolutely amazing. I would trade this feeling of uselessness for a few seconds of that wonderful feeling at this moment.

Right now. I find it extremely hard to start this blog, this post; I erased about five openings, thoughts, autobiographies because I felt it was lacking something. To tell you the truth I find it hard to start anything when it comes to expressing my feelings. My artwork, or lack there of, has been suffering since May. That led to my decision of changing my major to art to undecided. I realized my passions have now shifted elsewhere, more towards social sciences. It might be weird of me to admit this, particularly because if you know my in real life, but I do thoroughly enjoy helping people who need it when I am able to.. and to do that as a living would be extremely fulfilling.

But I digress.. I don’t know if this was a good start to this blog, but I had to start somewhere. To say what I really need to express in full detail would just be chaotic. Chaos isn’t what I need, I need solace. I hope at the end of this journey, I’ll find it.

And don’t let the name, “sexd”, fool you.. “inkd” was taken. Har.