You know, I wish I was a lot of things. I really do. I look at a lot of things differently from those around me which explains why I don’t get close to people. I can’t connect with most on certain subjects; especially family. Wow I don’t know anyone who understands why my view on family life is so BLEAK. Then again I think I’ve only told one person what really happened– I distance myself from that person now and find myself just being an ass to him, I’d like to think it’s because I want him to stop liking me, but now I just got used to it.
So today was different from what I was expecting out of a Monday. It was good for the most part. I’m not getting into details about one part, not today. Today isn’t the time. And right now I have so many things racing through my mind.. actual important thigns– to me at least.
So I talked to a girlfriend today that I have not talked to in a long time! I heard some exciting news.. well she didn’t flat out confirm or deny this good news, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have brought it up had it not been true. Wow, for her I look at it was an exciting thing, although I think she must be scared. I have no doubt that she and her boyfriend will be fine through this period. I can’t wait for June! Anyway so we were talking today about my feelings towards this one crush I have. This guy– totally turns my guts inside out. But I cannot be or say anything nice to the guy. And I feel really bad about it because he’s super sweet. I talked to her about how not only is it embarrassing but I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I really don’t want any opportunities to slip away. So she told me to just go for it, and what’s the worst that can happen? I’d get rejected. I can’t handle it, I really can’t. But I’m going to bit my pride on this.. and I’ll just tell him the truth. He put the biggest smile on my face. And then I won’t check my facebook for days.. but hey. It’s ok. I don’t need human interaction with my peers right now anyway!
It seems like when things go wrong for me, I always distance myself. From everyone except those I RARELY talk to. It is easier to talk to those who do not have a clue or just a fresh face as opposed to someone who hears about everything and everyone all the time. It’s different. And I enjoy hearing from these friends that pop up only once in a while.. I thoroughly do. Because sometimes a fresh ear or an unbiased person just makes it more easy.
I feel sick. I think something bad will happen, not soon, but within a month. Something and someone will get in the way and things won’t be the same. It scares me, but at the same time I’m just sitting here waiting and anticipating. Having a feeling about things before they happen I guess turned me into a nonchalant person about certain events. I care, but at the same time I don’t. It’s complicated. I’m complicated. I have a love note to write to a beautiful man. Ha.
My insides are on the outside right now.
