For lack of a better title

Today is just one of those days.

No.

The past week has been one of those weeks.  I think every stranger that has come into unnecessary contact with me has figured out a way to push my button.

I hate how only when I turn away is when the clever comment pops into my head.  I need to work on being witty on the spot.  Had my witicisms worked at the time I needed them to the following would have been said to people:

•  If you poke me and I don’t verbally react and just turn my back towards you, that should not enable you to poke me again as if I didn’t feel it the first time.  Fuck off.  This isn’t junior high, and even then I had a poking complex.
• Whether I have a boyfriend or not shouldn’t matter to you.  Me walking away does not mean catch up and keep talking to me.
• You look like you live in the street.
• You’re annoying.  I keep telling you I do not have time for you, yet you keep texting me like it suddenly frees up my time.  No sir, it does not work out that way.
• Just because I did not feel like being a bitch the day you met me does not mean I am actually interested in you.  If I NEVER answer the phone, that means you should stop calling.
• Why do people who work at the gym know you have my number?  Stop talking about me fucker.  Seriously, you did not win a prize by getting my number.  Lots of people have it.  Hence why I keep it on silent or turned off most of the time.

These aren’t even witty remarks.  It’s more like me saying what I needed to say to get some random annoying strangers off my nuts.  Yes, my nuts.

Today after I got into my car to leave school I screamed.  I was so full of adrenaline and just angry.  No amount of metal completely cured it either.   It appalls me to think of the amount of rudeness I’m going to have to muster up to make some guys get the point.  Men are getting more stupid as I get older.  I think.   At least the ones I come in contact with at school, the gym, or work.  All of which.. is not a place to chat with me.  I do not come to those places to chat.  I come to work.  That is all.

I think my tendency to not smile in public instantly attracts men who have no business talking to me.  So if I smile, maybe.. maybe I’ll attract one worth making time for in my oh so busy schedule.  The last time I met a cute guy, I was smiling.  Granted I was drunk, but it’s OK.  He wasn’t, but don’t think he tried to take advantage of me either.

Anyway, completely different story.

Bottom line is.. I think my approach is failing me.  I’m not looking for a relationship now, but that doesn’t mean I should rule out the possibility.  After all, possibilities makes waking up worth it.

In the pain, there is healing

You know, I wish I was a lot of things. I really do. I look at a lot of things differently from those around me which explains why I don’t get close to people. I can’t connect with most on certain subjects; especially family. Wow I don’t know anyone who understands why my view on family life is so BLEAK. Then again I think I’ve only told one person what really happened– I distance myself from that person now and find myself just being an ass to him, I’d like to think it’s because I want him to stop liking me, but now I just got used to it.

So today was different from what I was expecting out of a Monday. It was good for the most part. I’m not getting into details about one part, not today. Today isn’t the time. And right now I have so many things racing through my mind.. actual important thigns– to me at least.

So I talked to a girlfriend today that I have not talked to in a long time! I heard some exciting news.. well she didn’t flat out confirm or deny this good news, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have brought it up had it not been true. Wow, for her I look at it was an exciting thing, although I think she must be scared. I have no doubt that she and her boyfriend will be fine through this period. I can’t wait for June! Anyway so we were talking today about my feelings towards this one crush I have. This guy– totally turns my guts inside out. But I cannot be or say anything nice to the guy. And I feel really bad about it because he’s super sweet. I talked to her about how not only is it embarrassing but I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I really don’t want any opportunities to slip away. So she told me to just go for it, and what’s the worst that can happen? I’d get rejected. I can’t handle it, I really can’t. But I’m going to bit my pride on this.. and I’ll just tell him the truth. He put the biggest smile on my face. And then I won’t check my facebook for days.. but hey. It’s ok. I don’t need human interaction with my peers right now anyway!

It seems like when things go wrong for me, I always distance myself. From everyone except those I RARELY talk to. It is easier to talk to those who do not have a clue or just a fresh face as opposed to someone who hears about everything and everyone all the time. It’s different. And I enjoy hearing from these friends that pop up only once in a while.. I thoroughly do. Because sometimes a fresh ear or an unbiased person just makes it more easy.

I feel sick. I think something bad will happen, not soon, but within a month. Something and someone will get in the way and things won’t be the same. It scares me, but at the same time I’m just sitting here waiting and anticipating. Having a feeling about things before they happen I guess turned me into a nonchalant person about certain events. I care, but at the same time I don’t. It’s complicated. I’m complicated. I have a love note to write to a beautiful man. Ha.

My insides are on the outside right now.

Unlikely possibilities

School starts tomorrow. I am not exactly thrilled about it; but by no means am I dreading it. I know this semester will be better than the latter; however I do not want to get used to waking up everyday seeing people I do not care for. I do not want to get used to that again. I feel very alone attending that school; actually I feel alone period. I do however love it in a creepy way. Sometimes I’d rather be alone, in fact most of the time that is my preference. Then there are times I do not want to be and I feel like my options are less than acceptable. I flip through the numbers in my phone and I just do not see anyone I feel like ringing.

In eight hours I will be sitting in my first class in the Spring semester and I’m online blogging. I slept earlier because I was dead tired and could not keep my eyes open.

I have a billion things to say and right now if just feels like I’m trying to force this blog. This process right now is creating an irritation more than an outlet.

That feeling of something being inside of you that you have to let out.. is what I feel like at the moment. However I really don’t know where to begin. Prior to starting this blog I was reading in hopes that it would put me to sleep, but then my mind started to wander as I realized the part I was reading was going to turn into a boring sex story. It just didn’t keep my attention at the moment.. so my mind started drifting. I was thinking about a stranger. A man I have met once, and somehow he sticks with me. He was a sweetheart, and he left an amazing impression. A good thing about people like that is.. that’s all you have left lingering. That good memory. So my mind on occasion cooks up these possibilities.. these what if’s.. and I can’t help it! I feel like I’m thinking too much into something that isn’t there. I don’t like to be hopeful about these things.. I think the way my mind keeps wandering is actually pretty creepy. But like I said, can’t help it. If all goes well I’ll see this beautiful stranger in a little bit, for a short amount of time, but enough to make another impression that just might answer a few things I keep wondering about.

In other news, I campus toured this charming university that is about an hour and a half away from home. I really want to attend it for their applied behavior analysis program, the problem with that is my father will not pay for me to live there. So I will be making an attempt to save some money for a dorm room. I had a dream about this school.. well not this particular one, just another from my own. My dream was of me sitting under a short tree while studying or reading.. I’m completely determined to make that dream true. I’ll have to bust my ass to earn money for it, but it might be worth it. If I want it this badly, I know I’ll work at it.. I have to have something worth working for, and my education is my first priority at the moment.

Rare instances, Instantly

Many a time I will find myself spewing out advice to people who for some reason come to me to let out some things. Understandable. I’ll listen to anybody if they come to me, it’s flattering. I really do mean everyone.

My late summer fling, for lack of a better example, would continuously talk to me about his ex-girlfriend. His very recent ex-girlfriend. At that point in time we had initiated a relationship solely based on drunk hook-ups. No attachments there. But, I digress.. if I could make someone who at the time was sexually involved with me feel at ease to talk to me about, I’m sure I could stand just about anything. Granted, I did reach for the bottle nearly everytime he did in some form or fashion, but I grit my teeth and sucked it up.

Then are the few peers that decide to burden me with their problems. It’s not really a burden, just because I can walk away from a conversation about anything seemingly collected. It’s not that i don’t genuinely care, because I do. I can just burden the problems of others easily. My own problems are a different story. I’ll save that topic for another post though.

I do find myself in a dilemma when these instances occur, the whole “spilling my guts out to you” thing that people like to do. It is frustrating at times that it does not matter what I say, people will usually do whatever the hell they want to. It’s discouraging sometimes because I feel rather useless. I know the majority of what I say in regards to problematic situations is something they know; they are just thoughts that are deeply pushed into their subconscious where they hope it can be ignored easily. I am not one to talk though, I rarely take advice from people. Often I tell my super-ego to shut the hell up and see what happens, because it might be wrong this time. I never win that battle with myself, but I’d like to think that one day she’ll be wrong and I can restore my faith in humanity once agai.. wait it was never really there. Anyway. Times like right now I really do wish that people would listen, then again it could just be me being selfish. That instant gratification I get from knowing someone listened to my advice and it worked.. is an amazing feeling. Absolutely amazing. I would trade this feeling of uselessness for a few seconds of that wonderful feeling at this moment.