Today is just one of those days.

No.

The past week has been one of those weeks.  I think every stranger that has come into unnecessary contact with me has figured out a way to push my button.

I hate how only when I turn away is when the clever comment pops into my head.  I need to work on being witty on the spot.  Had my witicisms worked at the time I needed them to the following would have been said to people:

•  If you poke me and I don’t verbally react and just turn my back towards you, that should not enable you to poke me again as if I didn’t feel it the first time.  Fuck off.  This isn’t junior high, and even then I had a poking complex.
• Whether I have a boyfriend or not shouldn’t matter to you.  Me walking away does not mean catch up and keep talking to me.
• You look like you live in the street.
• You’re annoying.  I keep telling you I do not have time for you, yet you keep texting me like it suddenly frees up my time.  No sir, it does not work out that way.
• Just because I did not feel like being a bitch the day you met me does not mean I am actually interested in you.  If I NEVER answer the phone, that means you should stop calling.
• Why do people who work at the gym know you have my number?  Stop talking about me fucker.  Seriously, you did not win a prize by getting my number.  Lots of people have it.  Hence why I keep it on silent or turned off most of the time.

These aren’t even witty remarks.  It’s more like me saying what I needed to say to get some random annoying strangers off my nuts.  Yes, my nuts.

Today after I got into my car to leave school I screamed.  I was so full of adrenaline and just angry.  No amount of metal completely cured it either.   It appalls me to think of the amount of rudeness I’m going to have to muster up to make some guys get the point.  Men are getting more stupid as I get older.  I think.   At least the ones I come in contact with at school, the gym, or work.  All of which.. is not a place to chat with me.  I do not come to those places to chat.  I come to work.  That is all.

I think my tendency to not smile in public instantly attracts men who have no business talking to me.  So if I smile, maybe.. maybe I’ll attract one worth making time for in my oh so busy schedule.  The last time I met a cute guy, I was smiling.  Granted I was drunk, but it’s OK.  He wasn’t, but don’t think he tried to take advantage of me either.

Anyway, completely different story.

Bottom line is.. I think my approach is failing me.  I’m not looking for a relationship now, but that doesn’t mean I should rule out the possibility.  After all, possibilities makes waking up worth it.

School starts tomorrow. I am not exactly thrilled about it; but by no means am I dreading it. I know this semester will be better than the latter; however I do not want to get used to waking up everyday seeing people I do not care for. I do not want to get used to that again. I feel very alone attending that school; actually I feel alone period. I do however love it in a creepy way. Sometimes I’d rather be alone, in fact most of the time that is my preference. Then there are times I do not want to be and I feel like my options are less than acceptable. I flip through the numbers in my phone and I just do not see anyone I feel like ringing.

In eight hours I will be sitting in my first class in the Spring semester and I’m online blogging. I slept earlier because I was dead tired and could not keep my eyes open.

I have a billion things to say and right now if just feels like I’m trying to force this blog. This process right now is creating an irritation more than an outlet.

That feeling of something being inside of you that you have to let out.. is what I feel like at the moment. However I really don’t know where to begin. Prior to starting this blog I was reading in hopes that it would put me to sleep, but then my mind started to wander as I realized the part I was reading was going to turn into a boring sex story. It just didn’t keep my attention at the moment.. so my mind started drifting. I was thinking about a stranger. A man I have met once, and somehow he sticks with me. He was a sweetheart, and he left an amazing impression. A good thing about people like that is.. that’s all you have left lingering. That good memory. So my mind on occasion cooks up these possibilities.. these what if’s.. and I can’t help it! I feel like I’m thinking too much into something that isn’t there. I don’t like to be hopeful about these things.. I think the way my mind keeps wandering is actually pretty creepy. But like I said, can’t help it. If all goes well I’ll see this beautiful stranger in a little bit, for a short amount of time, but enough to make another impression that just might answer a few things I keep wondering about.

In other news, I campus toured this charming university that is about an hour and a half away from home. I really want to attend it for their applied behavior analysis program, the problem with that is my father will not pay for me to live there. So I will be making an attempt to save some money for a dorm room. I had a dream about this school.. well not this particular one, just another from my own. My dream was of me sitting under a short tree while studying or reading.. I’m completely determined to make that dream true. I’ll have to bust my ass to earn money for it, but it might be worth it. If I want it this badly, I know I’ll work at it.. I have to have something worth working for, and my education is my first priority at the moment.

Oh college. I figured my art appreciation class would be the one class where I did not miss a single day. Today was my first and only day. I slept right through class. It was much needed sleep too, however it was not intentional. I meant to only sleep through my first. Oh well. Maybe that is why I set two alarms instead of one.. oops. It’ll be hard convincing my professor to let me turn in my essay late due to a family emergency that I could not ignore.. yea let us hope she buys that– because I will be pulling an A in that damn class. I have basically a week left in school and I’m pretty sure the B’s I’ll be getting are going to be a slap in the face, because I know I missed the A mark by a few points. Sigh. Maybe I shouldn’t let personal problems get in the way of school.

Speaking of school. It is hard work avoiding people at school. No matter what time it is. There are some people I don’t mind seeing, those I’ve known for more than a year.. people that actually know me pre-fuck ups. I’m okay with that, in fact it brightens my day when I see those people. Everyone else I could really be okay with not seeing for the remainder of the semester.

That makes me sound like an asshole, but hey.. I think I’ve earned my asshole moment.

Right now. I find it extremely hard to start this blog, this post; I erased about five openings, thoughts, autobiographies because I felt it was lacking something. To tell you the truth I find it hard to start anything when it comes to expressing my feelings. My artwork, or lack there of, has been suffering since May. That led to my decision of changing my major to art to undecided. I realized my passions have now shifted elsewhere, more towards social sciences. It might be weird of me to admit this, particularly because if you know my in real life, but I do thoroughly enjoy helping people who need it when I am able to.. and to do that as a living would be extremely fulfilling.

But I digress.. I don’t know if this was a good start to this blog, but I had to start somewhere. To say what I really need to express in full detail would just be chaotic. Chaos isn’t what I need, I need solace. I hope at the end of this journey, I’ll find it.

And don’t let the name, “sexd”, fool you.. “inkd” was taken. Har.